Shut up. No one talks like that.

Shut up. No one talks like that.

Juno isn’t that bad. Honest to blog. And if you just laughed at that, please stop reading and never visit our site again. Anyways, I gave the movie a fair shake and it was pretty much what I expected. But in my opinion, there’s no way the movie deserved the praise bestowed upon it over the past months. The acting was good and story was cute but most of the film is fatally flawed.

Juno is hardly a comedy. I didn’t laugh once at any of the so-called jokes. The only time I was amused was at the fact that Mark, played by Jason Bateman, was given a room of his own for his music and hobbies. This is not an inherently funny joke but I smirked because I can identify with the situation. Characters talking fast and making obscure pop culture references is not comedy.

Juno herself is ridiculous. No real sixteen-year-old girl combines Juno’s mix of anti-cool, hip and quirky personality with witty banter and reaffirming confidence. Girls like that only exist in the minds of people who dress up like Star Wars characters. I get it though, it’s a movie and we’re supposed to suspend disbelief. But come on, a hamburger phone? Walking around with a fake pipe? Whoa! She’s so ironically funny! And seriously if she went to public schools she would have dropped out after the first three months to escape the ridicule and constant harassment from asshole kids.

As for the music, I wanted to puke all over Kimaya Dawson and anyone who strummed an acoustic guitar. They’re called notes and chords, fucking sing them. If I wanted to listen to spoken overwrought lyrics, I’d listen to the movie’s dialogue.

Juno’s climactic soliloquy to Bleeker also caused me great pain. So we’re to empathize with these jilted lovers even though their relationship was really a secondary storyline? The only thing I knew about Bleeker was that he was on the track team and liked orange Tic Tacs. When Juno spills her heart out, it leaves the viewer empty because for the entire film we’re shown how awkward, rather than cool, he is. Juno tells us he’s the balls but there are no scenes showing this. Show don’t tell. Come on, writing 101.

I didn’t walk away hating this movie as much as I wanted to. I know I’m knit picking and possibly over-analyzing. By the same token, Juno one of the most unrealistic and pretentious pieces of cinema I’ve ever scene, but should I have expected anything less from a script written by a woman named Diablo Cody?

Maybe the movie is decent and has a chance to win Best Picture at the MTV movie awards, just like Napoleon Dynamite, another movie loved by the masses but hated by yours truly. Or maybe, I’ve lost touch again and should just stick to watching classic teen flicks from the eighties by John Hughes.


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