The Fifth Third Burger, Eh

This looks a lot better than it tastes I bet.

This looks a lot better than it tastes I bet.

It’s been a little over a week since the food blogging world was introduced to the Fifth Third Burger. Wow, it’s huge! It’s terribly unhealthy! It’s so cool! It’s being served at a minor league baseball park! You see, I checked out the burger, wasted my thirty seconds on the article and picture then moved on. I didn’t write anything about it at the time because a) I don’t think it’s newsworthy and b) stories like this come out every year glorifying glutiny and it’s nothing new.  But now, some tool staff dietitian of a physicians’ group in Washington, D.C., sent a letter to the ballpark selling the burger calling for a health warning to accompany the burger. Really? I don’t think you need to be a dietitian to draw the conclusion that this isn’t the best thing to be eating. And how about PETA? Obviously they need to throw their pretentious hat into the grill by releasing a statement. Everyone, please just shut up.

Calorie count aside, it’s a little more disturbing that any Joe with a grill or sports team with a concession stand can pile a bunch of random shit together, call it a meal and have their fifteen minutes of fame. Seriously, their is no logical explanation for putting five beef patties, chili, Fritos, lettuce, sour cream and tomato on a loaf of bread and selling it to people trying to watch a baseball game. I get it; the team is trying to get publicity and succeeding at it. I get it; people like nachos, let’s just take all the same ingredients and make a burger out of it! But I’m sure it tastes disgusting and any foolish tourist or big mouth that wants a free t-shirt who orders one of these things and attempts to consume it, should die of a heart attack. There’s a difference between creativity and gimmicks with food. Bigger isn’t always better. Oh, wait! BREAKING NEWS!!!

I just invented the new wackiest idea that will send food bloggers bonkers. It’s called the “Deep Throat” and it’s a three-foot long hoagie will 5 types of grilled cased meats (sweet Italian sausage, all beef hot dog, Kielbasa, chorizo and sliced salami) layed on lettuce, tomato, relish, sauteed onions & peppers, mustard, saurkraut and chili. BOOM. I’m famous. Where’s my check?


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Filed under Amateur Analysis, Food

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