Valentine’s Day was the worst movie I’ve seen in a theatre since Ms. Congeniality 2. You may wonder why I even attended such an atrocity. The reason is compromise. It’s really what all relationships come down to, especially on Hallmark holidays. I pick Zombieland on blu-ray from Netflix (eh…), and she picks Valentine’s Day. In my defense, I didn’t see the movie on actual Valentine’s Day and my ticket and popcorn were thrown in with the deal.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with romantic comedies. That is if they’re actually funny and slightly romantic. Valentine’s Day tries to take the concept of a big name ensemble cast and splice together several story lines that magically all relate in the end. You’ve seen this gimmick in such films as Crash and He’s Just Not That Into You. It can be clever if executed correctly, but just confusing and annoying if over wrought. Viewers are forced to endure two hours of interwoven plots that have no substance or emotional connectivity. Aside from the brutal lack of humor and investment in any one character/relationship, here’s some more gems:
- Ashton Kutcher proposing to Jessica Alba then getting dumped then hooking up with his “best friend” Jennifer Garner all in the same day. Yea, totally believable. And come on, the hot best friend/love-of-your-life-right-under-your-nose-the-whole-time angle? This is fucked out even for Gary Marshall.
- Ashton Kutcher’s best guy friend is George Lopez. Enough said.
- The Taylor Swift/Tailor Lautner stunt casting. The whole teen sections should have been cut. Pointless.
- Jessica Biel is a hot and successful PR director who binges on candy, can’t find a man and hate’s Valentine’s Day. Now that’s acting!
- A Gay NFL quarterback? Righttttt.
- Anne Hathaway hooking up with Topher Grace? Good to know there’s hope for me!
- Anne Hathaway has a part time gig as a phone sex operator. Fine, but I’m pretty sure phone sex operators don’t take calls on their personal cell phone and would get immediately fired if they were caught on a call at work.
- McDreamy as a cheating doctor. Curveball!
- Julia Roberts’ mailed in performance as a service woman on a plane home. Watch out for the twist!
- Comic relief comes in the form of a naked teenage guy with a guitar getting busted in his girlfriend’s room by her mom before they have planned sex. Original and edgy.
I think you get the point. There’s nothing wrong with the idea of a Valentine’s-centric movie. Romance and comedy can go together if the story, writing, and execution are there. It feels like Valentine’s Day is trying to do too much. It wants to be all-encompassing, but rather than nailing the genre and pleasing the audience for which it’s intended, the films spreads itself thin on all fronts. It’s not funny, not romantic, not dramatic and not worth your time or money.