Tiger Woods Is Deeply Sorry. Really. Sorry.

Tiger Woods took the stand finally addressed the world this morning. He stood their for thirteen minutes and spilled his pre-written guts. All-in-all the whole pomp and circumstance was pathetically lame. Tiger must really love those porn stars because he’s turned into a giant pussy. Shockingly, he apologized to everyone including his wife and sponsors and swore to become a better man. Come on, really? That’s it? Everything’s supposed to be better now? Has anything really changed? Do we feel fulfilled now? Can we resume our lives now that the greatest golfer in the world apologized for doing exactly what any young, rich male would do in his situation?

The best thing that has ever happened to Tiger Woods’ image was the public finding out he isn’t some loser square with zero personality. There were two ways he could have gone in dealing with this situation. He obviously took the safe route. Profusely apologize, admonish your faults, pull the therapy card and blame yourself humbly. If I were the one who wrote Tiger’s ‘heartfelt’ script, I would have gone like this:

“Look, I’m rich and I like to have fun. I’ve done nothing legally wrong. I’ve made mistakes in my personal life but those issues are between my wife and family. I suggest everyone respect our privacy and find some real news to report on. Thank you to everyone who has stood by me though. To the sponsors that dropped me and the media members that chastised me–big mistake. When this blows over in a couple months all the haters will look foolish. Until then, I suggest they take a look in the mirror.

Kobe, Tyson, Ray Lewis. Think about it. [Dramatic Pause]

My family and I are going on vacation for a month, then I’m going to play in the Masters and WIN. See you at Augusta.”

Then he steps into a private jet and flies away.

Tiger had a chance to be a real person today and he squandered the opportunity. Three months of media blitz and two weeks of sex “rehab” do not change a man. He played the part today of a groveling, broken man begging for forgiveness. The only person he should be apologizing to is his wife–who he probably never should have married in the first place. He didn’t need to parade out in front of the cameras today. He owes the public nothing. I’ve maintained all along that he should have addressed this all as soon as Elin put the nine iron down. There was no need for it to come to this.

Maybe today’s speech really did come from the heart. It’s hard to tell when someone is honest when we’ve never seen his personality before. All I know is that his whole crisis management strategy feels like just another corporate shill. Maybe Woods will find peace in his time away from the game, but until he’s back on the golf course, his personal life, rather than his game, will remain in the headlines. The quickest way for this to blow over is to get back to work. Business as usual.

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2 Comments

Filed under Amateur Analysis, Sports

2 responses to “Tiger Woods Is Deeply Sorry. Really. Sorry.

  1. Amanda

    Nice post, two comments.

    Do you really think every guy would do this if they had the money and access? That’s kind of a depressing thought.

    On his press conference: I can’t find anyone who says they were interested in it, but I wonder if thats like how I can’t find anyone who will admit to buying a Spice Girls album. As one of my friends put it, Tiger’s speech should have been “I golf. Watch me golf if you want to.”

    I mean, who really cares where he puts his putter

  2. chefdiesel

    Maybe not all guys but you have to think of his upbringing–essentially a child star. It’s almost crazy this didn’t happen sooner. This wouldn’t even be a story if he wasn’t married with kids. He should have never settled down if he liked to party. That’s his biggest mistake.

    I don’t know if everyone was into it, but it seemed like for 13 minutes on Friday the world stopped for Tiger–breaking news, full coverage, etc. Now that he’s said his piece, it’s over, no one cares.

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