The older I get, the narrower my tastes in music gets. Sure, there’s some great artists out there if you’re willing to look, but most music nowadays is shit. If you’ve turned on a radio in the past 365 days, chances are you’ve heard all of these gems. Hopefully, you won’t have to suffer much longer.
10. “Rolling in the Deep” – Adele
This isn’t a bad song by any stretch, but who decided that it needed to be played by every single radio station in the country every 2.7 seconds? Expect multiple Grammys for the British singer who just can’t stop whining about her shitty ex-boyfriend.
9. “Tonight Tonight” – Hot Chelle Rae
I saw these delinquents accept some award at the American Music Awards and one of the members looked mildly retarded. Explains a lot about this song, actually.
8. “Moves Like Jagger” – Maroon 5
You know it’s a bad year when whistling makes a comeback.
7. “You Make Me Feel” – Cobra Starship
A little piece inside of me dies every time I hear this song or anything related to Cobra Starship. RIP Midtown.
6. “Edge of Glory” – Lady Gaga
Gaga’s sophomore album felt disappointing. This song in particular sounds like a bad Kelly Clarkson b-side. The Lady peaked with “Judas” and failed to capture the same freakish energy with subsequent releases. She’ll always have the clubs.
5. “Dancing in the Dark/Mr. Saxobeat” – Dev/Alexandra Stan
Hats off to the producer who sold two beats based off the same terrible saxophone keyboard pre-set. When one of these abominations comes on the radio I can never tell which it is and really, does it even matter?
4. “Pumped Up Kicks” – Foster the People
How is this song popular? A dull melody with a super repetitive chorus about hypothetically shooting kids at school? For some reason people convinced themselves (or bought the lie) that Foster the People is a good band and has a future. Remember their stupid name for your next one hit wonders trivia question.
3. “Lighters” – Good vs. Evil
Bruno Mars just needs to go away.
2. “E.T.” – Katy Perry
Why do pop stars even try anymore with their sexual metaphors and innuendos? This tale of aliens and “love” is so pathetic and depressing that Kanye West can’t even save our ears from musical Armageddon.
1. Everything from David Guetta, LMFAO, Deadmau5, Skrillex, Afrojack, Avicii, etc.
America is getting dumber and it’s scary. I get it: people like to dance and escape the reality of life and party. But when did club dance music become the default pop music of the United States? The constant bass drum pounding, overly compressed vocals and ubiquitous computer synthesizer is killing music. This is not music. Music has soul and passion and is played on real instruments. I’m hope this trend will pass like the many before it, but until then, we’ll have to keep being informed by will.i.am. (in every fucking song) that his beats are banging. In case you didn’t already know.